ladybugtoos

188.6

Eh, damn those gummi bears anyway.  *lol*  I had to eat them.  It was the only way to shut them up.  Then their taunts turned to screams and I felt so much better.  *evil laugh*  Okay, so I didn’t really have to eat them… I wanted to and I don’t usually deny myself the things that I want.  Just eat them and count them in my daily totals and move on.  It works for the most part.

Oooh, you guys will never guess what I saw yesterday… my collar bones!  *jumps for joy*  I mean, they’ve been there all along of course.  I could feel them if I put my hand up there and I could see them if I shrugged or moved just right.  But yesterday I was looking in the mirror and I couldn’t figure out what was wrong or different.  Then I realized it… there they were.  That and the tendons in my neck.  Isn’t it funny… the things that skinny people take for granted make fat people so happy?  It totally rocked my day.  There’s something very elegant about collar bones.  Yeah, that’s weird, I know. 

Does anyone else have this issue?  When I look at myself, I like that I’m smaller, but I’m so flabby that I almost feel like I looked better fat.  Its frustrating.  I know I need to start weight training and that would help, but I also think that to look the way I want, I’m going to have to have the ole tummy tuck and the extra crap cut off my arms if/when I get to my goal weight.  I don’t wanna!  Anyone know of anything I can do along with the weight training to help tone up?  Fish-y oil stuff?  I know they used to say to eat fish to help, but I don’t know if that’s been disproved now or not.  That and I don’t really like fish… tastes like fish.  *gag*  All else fails, anyone know where I can get discount plastic surgery?!  *lol* 

187.6

Feeling a little better this morning.  I’ve decided to just go with the flow, see where I end up.  Taking some time off dating to work on me.  I’m a big believer in fate and karma and if it’s supposed to happen, it will. 

Hi all.  Me again.  I’m in need of some emotional support.  Not so that I won’t overeat, but so that I’ll eat.  I’m back into the depression, which means I’ll probably stop eating again.  But even though I’m sad, it’s weird because it’s like I want to cry, but I can’t.  I think that’s my psyche saying that I know deep down that I’m better off without him and heck, I know that even not so deep down.  Hell, I’ve known that all along.  I prayed to God to either make him love me or take him away.  I guess Texas is away.  I even told him when he left that I was relieved because I knew that the relationship wasn’t healthy for me.  The six weeks we were together before he left was nothing but a constant roller coaster ride of emotions for me, mostly just the bottom of the coaster.  So, I know very well that I’m better off and when I really focus on it, I’m okay.  But I have an issue about losing my friends…. seems like every friend I make moves far away, leaving me alone.  So I’m assuming that this is related to that more than to me losing a so-called “boyfriend”, if I can even call him that, which I couldn’t.  And it’s not like we aren’t still talking…. he emailed me just this morning, but it’s just that I won’t actually see him anymore and that kills me.  I’m sorry, Guys, I just don’t have anywhere else to go with this.       

I did have something to say.  The 18s that I bought for my trip were getting to that annoying place where they’re not really loose until you wear them for 5 minutes and then they don’t stay where they’re supposed to, so I resorted to wearing a belt while there and pulling the material up past the button.  That’s a real nice look.  Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that when I was there.  I bought a pair of 16s at the outlet mall in San Marcos.  I tried them on when we got back and there was about an inch keeping me from buttoning them.  I tried them on again last night for poops and giggles and guess what… I got them fastened.  They’re tight and there that nice little tummy fat roll over the top, but hell, I got my butt into a 16!  Whoo-hoo!  Another 5-10 lbs and I should be in them for real.  And we all know what a 16 equals… shopping in the regular girls’ section!  God, I’ve been waiting for this day for 14 years.  Wish me luck.

187.8

Don’t really have much to say this morning.  I’m back at work and could really use a nap.  I’ll leave it at that.

Kind of glad to be home… kind of heartbroken over how the week ended, even though it ended pretty much the way I expected.  Time to move on.  Time to find someone new.  Okay, so before I ramble into a place that no one can follow me in to, I should explain some things I guess.  This guy that I went to visit… I’m not even sure how to say this.  I thought he was perfect… smart, cute, good in the old you know where… not the best body but hey, I can relate.  Anyway, took this week with him for me to realize that he’s not as perfect as I thought.  And I know I don’t love him (even though I was sure there for awhile that I did) and I know that he has too many faults that I just can’t overlook anymore.  So can someone tell me why knowing all this that it still hurts like someone punched me in the gut?  Its not that the time I spent down there was ALL bad, no, I had fun, but then last night, we got into this very honest, very sincere conversation that lasted hours and was still going on when he drove me to the airport this morning.  Basically, he laid it all out for me as in I had my life and he had his.  We all know what that means.  That and he told me that he knew that I didn’t have the right personality that he was looking for in someone for a long term commitment.  The conversation was actually nice because it allowed us both to say the things that we’ve been holding back for two months… God, has it really only been that long?  Feels like years.  But still, I just don’t get my own emotions sometimes.  He won’t hold my hand.  He won’t introduce me to his friends.  He’s trying to distance himself from me.  He eats constantly (not good for a girl who’s trying to lose weight and its weird because he says that he wants to lose weight as well).  He spends money like crazy and lets not forget that he’s technically unemployed at the moment (I bet there wasn’t a day that I was down there that he didn’t spend at least $75 if not more).  He’s a tad bit of a know it all (damn intellectuals).  He likes to throw they multi-cultural card out there all the time (he’s Cambodian).  He’s always talking about how I’d be happier if I lost more weight (f*ck you, Buddy!  You’re no male model yourself!)  That and the main thought that he doesn’t care about me in the way that I want him too.  These are all things that I can’t deal with, so why do I still want him?  Ugh!  I hate it.  I didn’t go down there thinking that he would finally confess his love for me and beg me to move down there to be with him (that was my own little fantasy though *heehee*).  I went down there for closure and I got it.  Honestly, even though it hurts a little, I think because of that conversation, we ended it in a good place.  Now, I have to give it time…

Other than that, I absolutely fell in love with San Antonio.  I’m planning another trip down there with my son around his b-day in October so he can see it.  If he likes it, maybe we’ll move down there anyway.  I miss living in the city.  That and wouldn’t it be fun to lose the weight, meet a wonderful guy, and then just happen to run into this guy all happy and thin?  Oooh, looks like I moved away from the pain and anger and moved right into vindictive.  I like that better.

Drum roll please…

188.2!  How ’bout that?  Five lbs. lost while spending a week on vacation. 

http://www.hungry-girl.com/index.php

Just found this site this afternoon (I can’t even remember how I found it, but I did) and have been cruising it for awhile now.  Pretty cool with a lot of useful information.  I really like their Chew the Right Thing section which gives you two options… one healthy, one not and a comparison of them.  Check it out!

193.0

Yeah, like we didn’t expect THAT to happen.  It’s my own fault because I didn’t bring food with me to work yesterday (other than the chocolate chip/peanut butter chip cookies that I brought for everyone) so I had to resort to eating whatever I could find… which of course included some of those cookies.  I brought food with me today.  And who knows, maybe I’ll be lucky and it will all come back off by tomorrow.  I’m not gonna hold my breath, but ya never know?

See, this is why I weigh myself daily.  Keeps me responsible.  Otherwise, I’d eat like that all the time and just beat myself up with the scales went up 5 lbs. a week.  This way, it goes up, I see it and I can deal with it sooner.