ladybugtoos

Kind of glad to be home… kind of heartbroken over how the week ended, even though it ended pretty much the way I expected.  Time to move on.  Time to find someone new.  Okay, so before I ramble into a place that no one can follow me in to, I should explain some things I guess.  This guy that I went to visit… I’m not even sure how to say this.  I thought he was perfect… smart, cute, good in the old you know where… not the best body but hey, I can relate.  Anyway, took this week with him for me to realize that he’s not as perfect as I thought.  And I know I don’t love him (even though I was sure there for awhile that I did) and I know that he has too many faults that I just can’t overlook anymore.  So can someone tell me why knowing all this that it still hurts like someone punched me in the gut?  Its not that the time I spent down there was ALL bad, no, I had fun, but then last night, we got into this very honest, very sincere conversation that lasted hours and was still going on when he drove me to the airport this morning.  Basically, he laid it all out for me as in I had my life and he had his.  We all know what that means.  That and he told me that he knew that I didn’t have the right personality that he was looking for in someone for a long term commitment.  The conversation was actually nice because it allowed us both to say the things that we’ve been holding back for two months… God, has it really only been that long?  Feels like years.  But still, I just don’t get my own emotions sometimes.  He won’t hold my hand.  He won’t introduce me to his friends.  He’s trying to distance himself from me.  He eats constantly (not good for a girl who’s trying to lose weight and its weird because he says that he wants to lose weight as well).  He spends money like crazy and lets not forget that he’s technically unemployed at the moment (I bet there wasn’t a day that I was down there that he didn’t spend at least $75 if not more).  He’s a tad bit of a know it all (damn intellectuals).  He likes to throw they multi-cultural card out there all the time (he’s Cambodian).  He’s always talking about how I’d be happier if I lost more weight (f*ck you, Buddy!  You’re no male model yourself!)  That and the main thought that he doesn’t care about me in the way that I want him too.  These are all things that I can’t deal with, so why do I still want him?  Ugh!  I hate it.  I didn’t go down there thinking that he would finally confess his love for me and beg me to move down there to be with him (that was my own little fantasy though *heehee*).  I went down there for closure and I got it.  Honestly, even though it hurts a little, I think because of that conversation, we ended it in a good place.  Now, I have to give it time…

Other than that, I absolutely fell in love with San Antonio.  I’m planning another trip down there with my son around his b-day in October so he can see it.  If he likes it, maybe we’ll move down there anyway.  I miss living in the city.  That and wouldn’t it be fun to lose the weight, meet a wonderful guy, and then just happen to run into this guy all happy and thin?  Oooh, looks like I moved away from the pain and anger and moved right into vindictive.  I like that better.